Lovers nor Friends

29th Jan 2019

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

You and I can never be friends,
I tried.
I thought, it would otherwise
Be a pity
to the good times, the cold nights,
the last kissed goodbye
and your parents' love story.

I failed though,
I hate to admit it.
Everywhere I go, I see leftover love.
Everything I kept
I smelt rotten fruits.

Days no more
Love no longer, I died just a little.
I cried just enough
to function as an emotional being.
I am just a woman.
I am just a human.
Whenever love dies, I still have to
live, to drink, to dance.
Friendship does not grow from
dead affections.

For that, I say,
Civil, behave, goodbye.
Not again, you and I aren't good enough

for lovers nor friends 

Ripe

Photo by Anna Kaminova on Unsplash

I have been home, back from wanders.
But my mind, never stopped traveling.
Lost in her own best ways,
sometimes confused, sometimes grateful.

A situation like this:
Two most familiar persons
pretend to be strangers.
unfortunately,
none of them know
about the rituals.

Is it to speak about
the good times?
Or pardon each other
for the intrusion of peace?
Things are never
as bad as they seem,
just two shattered glass.

When apples are ripened
enough to fall from the tree
it will never go back
to where it belonged.

When the heart is ripened
enough to fall,
it will never
never return.

Favourite quotes : #5

Quotes below are from Oprah Winfrey: The Wisdom of Sundays

The number one principle that rules my life is intention. Thought by though, choice by choice, we are co-creating our lives based on the energy of our intention.- Oprah

The energy we put out in the world is the energy we get back. If you want more love in your life, set your intention to be more loving. If you seek kindness, focus your energy on empathy and compassion. - Oprah

Dare greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you are feeling. To have the hard conversations.  - Brene Brown

All I think that vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence. Because you have to allow yourself to take the risk to be open, to live as wholehearted person. When you can do that, you recognize that you're really just like everybody else, and that gives you the confidence to be yourself, which is all you really need in life, to be more of yourself.

What I realised is that sometimes we, in the most difficult times in our story, we begin to lose faith. - Devon Franklin

I try to live my life knowing that if you can see it and you can feel it and you believe it, then it is completely possible. - Amy Purdy

There are so many simple pleasures that allow me to delight in the present moment. A long walk in solitude or a spirited hike with friends brings a renewed sense of gratitude and connection. I consider reading a book a sacred indulgence. And I also happen to love a cup of piping-hot Masala tea. The daily ritual of being at the sink, boiling the water, steaming the milk, and then steeping the tea helps bring me to a place of stillness. Whether it's watching a sunset, or really feeling the stream of water hit your face in the shower, everyone needs to take time to find a way to quiet themselves. -Oprah

The true power of staying in the now means that you resist projecting what might happen in the future or lamenting past mistakes. There will always be times of stress of sadness, but when you feel the earth moving, that's the time to bring yourself back to center. Whatever shakeup or disturbance that might come, you will handle that when it actually happens. But in this moment, you are still breathing. In this moment, you are finding a way to step onto higher ground. - Oprah

We go from being twenty to thirty without a pause. We go from one job to the next, from one bed to the next. For every one, pause. Take a breath. Pause. - Iyanla Vanzant

Connect to yourself becomes a spiritual experience because you have realized you are causing the vast majority of your own problems, due to your mental reactions. So as life unfolds on a daily basis, you have the right to choose not to do that. You can still go to work, you still take care of the kids, you just lean away from this mess that the mind is doing to amplify and overemphasize or over exaggerate whatever is going on. What will happen is when you let go of the noisy mind, you will end up in a seat of quiet, because that's what it is back there: quiet. And my experience is that now you can look at reality and you will know what to do. - Michael Singer

You recognise the situation and help yourself not to be overwhelmed by the negative feeling like fear or anxiety. You are still yourself. It is like a mother: when the baby is crying, she picks up the baby and she holds the baby tenderly in her arms. Your pain, your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself, recognise the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get relief. And if you continue with your practice of mindfulness and concentration, you understand the roots, the nature of that ill-being, and you know the way to transform it. - Thich Nhat Hanh

No matter how devastating, these are opportunities to stop sleepwalking through your life, wake up, and pay attention to the red flags, whispers, pebbles and bricks along the way. Follow your instincts. That’s where true wisdom unfolds. - Oprah

And I never knew at that age, in my twenties, that “I don’t know” is actually a legimate answer that you are allowed to say. You are allowed to say, “I don’t know,” and you are allowed to ask for as much time as you need until you do know. And if somebody doesn’t want to give you that time, they are allowed to leave. But you are allowed to sit with your “I don’t know.” - Elizabeth Gilbert

Ego is an imposter, imposing on the real you, making you think you are something that you are not. True self-esteem is realising that the stillness and presence in me is the same as the presence in all people. - Oprah

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. - Dr. Gerald G. Jampolsky

Turbulence

Photo by Tobias Tullius on Unsplash

The blue sky catches a glimpse of the golden ray of sunshine,
the light breeze continues to waltz with the summer air,

With both eyes closed,
a familiar face resurfaces through my turbid mind,
makes an unpleasant return, creates waves of blocked
memories and months of defenses crumbling in turbulence.

A safe place, where minds are clear,
fences are built high, and I don't have time
for blurry eyes dreading over turbid past.

 

2019

Ok, 2018 where do I begin?
Let's do chronological then.

Starting 2018 with excitements and adventures await. 2018 was especially thrilling for one main reason : EXCHANGE IS HAPPENING.

Ok, so I was already impatient by the time I launched my study abroad application and it was indeed a long as torture for my excited heart, nonetheless, it was finally here. Although as much as I was super excited about exchange I knew I had to keep earning the money and keep putting more savings towards my exchange. And I guess the first half of the year was more of a routine one but productive though. And few other exciting things happened as well, your girl was once taken and happily in a relationship until later but this is life aye. I must admit 2018 had me go on love high and got me heartbroken and mended me again with the even stronger spirit.

Then there's the half year in Germany, Oestrich-Winkel a place I don't think I can ever forget because it is a place where vineyards, exchange students, Germans, and cheap alochols are. Second half year of 2018 was more than satisfactory. Not only I finally was able to live on my own, and was finally face my little ambitious ego of independence, and I was finally being able to appreciate the family I had and the place I can now finally call home : Australia. Oh and I also started writing poems (that rhymed), check it out here :) here are my poems.

Few big lessons I've learned in 2018:

1.  You are your own longest commitment

Truly, you are your own biggest and longest commitment, no one will ever love you like you love yourself, and everyone has a reason to walk away from you. But you, yourself will always be the one to stay. There's nothing more I should say about the power of self-love, and sisters and brothers I want you all to practice self-love for 2019 and make yourself your new valentine, best friend, partner in crime and someone you knew you'd fall in love with again. Here is a poem I wrote and I want to share it here

I wrote this poem while I was on an overnight bus to Finland in a cold December winter just two days before Christmas. I haven't seen my family or friends for several months and during the toughest day I was unable to get familiar faces by my side but I learned to be alright and ok with my own company. I was still reflecting and still learning the art of self-love and from the deepest of my heart, this poem was created.

She is within

In a world filled with more than us,
Plants, trees and stars.
All I see was you and me.
All along, all I can have was me.

Stars filled up the night sky
Which I used to look at,
Wish I had you by my side.
All along, all I really had was me.

I used to walk in the darkness,
And look behind me,
Wish I had walked with you.
All along, all I really had was me.

She was stronger than I think,
Smarter than anyone could believe,
Worthier than what he deserves,
Beautiful than what she sees.

All I really needed was just me,
The girl who never left,
Despite what the future holds.
She fostered a home in me
And planned to reside within. 

2. Love hurts but it would be well worth it 

Love hurts when you have to say goodbye or when you are not ready to say goodbye. Let it be your first or however many relationship you have to say goodbye with, none of them will be easy. And it will be hard, the biggest takeaway I learned was to make sure you love yourself nothing less even if you are in a relationship, and still remember to continuously be yourself and do the things you love doing while you were single, so you are not co-depend on your partner and if they do decided to walk away it's going to be ok, you are still yourself and you still know how to love yourself. And always knew it is normal for a relationship to end, and if it ends, it ends for the better of both of you guys. It is hard to get over it but you know time heals and be strong.  Here are my lessons on how to get over a breakup

3. Family will always be your safest place

Everyone has their own struggle and everyone has different family issues to deal with. For the longest time I hated the family I am in, and I wanted to escape. But through this exchange I've realised no matter how far I could go, my heart was in the place I can proudly call home. To be honest, all of these are just excuses for me to escape and avoid to deal with the family issues and avoid to do the hard work because I know it really is exhausting. All along I knew that's not the solution. So own up to what you have and change the family and change yourself, you only have one family and you didn't get a choice to choose the family you want to be in but you do have a choice and the power to change and shape it. And also remember you deserve nothing less, if not you deserve all the best possible outcomes. 

 4. Time has the magic 

The difference, time makes is progress. This is the biggest thing I've realised the power of doing something everyday and in a long run is the persistence and consistence that serve the winner. The biggest thing with me would be I am a little impatient at times and I always want results so fast and the thing about results and answers are all of these take time, and let it. Let it take all the time it needs, all you need to make sure of is that you do what it takes for the time to give you an outcome. For example, if your goal is to write a book, and the time can't do the magic unless you break it all done into small tasks and start writing few pages at a time. What ever your goal maybe you need to start doing it and make that progress. I have a book I can recommend ya'll to read for 2019: "Get your shit together by Sarah Knight." (this is the title, I am not bullshitting.)

here are few highlights I personally treasured in 2018

- saved enough for exchange
- got everyone pot plants for my birthday
- was in a relationship
- went to the beautiful Byron bay and watched sunrise
- Paniyiri Greek festival was sick
- Sarah's hens at a stripper club
-went to W hotel 
- the cocktail hang at Flix for goodnes
- when I received money from a dear friend of mine for funding my exchange
- the entire exchange experience - traveled and cultured
- connected with exchange students from the globe
- Europe was amazing and architectures are breath-taking
- got a Wiesbaden christmas mug
- another pair of Camper's twins heels
- 4711 cologne
- went to a Cuban bar in Florence (it has got the best vintage vibe)
- saw sunset in Florence, I lost my breath (you'd wish you were there) 
- met old friends up overseas  
-  trip to finland ( saw reindeer, santa claus's village, and some decent snow)
- went on a awesome cruise!
- rode a reindeer sleigh
- built a snowman after 10+ years since I last saw snow
- visited several European countries
- survived more overnight buses than I should
- had Qatar airline back, slept with 3 seat bed
- got the box I sent from Germany
- handled two luggage with no problem
- ended Europe trip with a bang : Copenhagen

I probably haven't listed all of the moments because I have a shitty memory at times. 2019 come at me! and see if I will be sacred!

Happy new year everyone! May 2019 be another year of celebration, self-love, success, and everything you may want it to be.